Coming out of The Dark

I’m going to post a post from my other blog When Darkness Storms I created this blog many moons ago when my depression was at it’s worst and may explain why I fsde away at times. You’ll see some things in this post that you already know and some you don’t.

My name is Pauline and I’m 59 years young, I’m learning how to love life again and find passion in the things I do each day. I moved to the country 15 months ago, before that I lived in a unit, in a caravan park. I love animals and could only have my cats at the park. It was frustraing because I’ve always had a love for horses and used to ride a lot when I was younger. I also wanted a dog but couldn’t have one at the park either.

Moving onto 5 acres on the outskirts of a quiet little country town was my dream come true. I bought a horse, not the type I was planning too, which was an old plodder I could get back in the saddle on, but a beautiful Thoroughbred named Nathy, he’s been off the track since 2014 and is yet to be re-trained for pleasure riding.

What was I thinking lol! I had lost my confidence, just being near a horse had me shaking in my boots literally, so why did I buy this blank canvas….easy I saw his ad and fell instantly in love. The day I meet him my confidence started to return and since I’ve owned him he has taught me so much and helped me in so many ways.

He helps with my depression too and doesn’t react when I get anxiety, he’s an amazing boy. I also have a beautiful Kelpie named Kira, she also helps me deal with my anxiety and depression. I haven’t walked her for a while because my anxiety has been rearing it’s ugly head but she gets a run around the 5 acres almost everyday.

I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for over 10 years, and there have been plenty of ups and downs. Trying to find the motivation to have more ups than downs is bloody hard sometimes and I have just given up at times. I can’t be bothered getting out of bed some days and by the end of the day I feel so hopeless because I couldn’t make the effort to do something fulfilling during the day.

Then I have days like today when I tell myself I’m going to do something to change my mood and make myself feel better about myself. About a week ago I found an old blog of mine that I created when I was at my darkest and I decided to bring it back to life. This is the new version of my old blog.

I wanted to get this blog going again because it’s good therapy for me, just like my animals are and I’d like to think I can help others like me. Over the years of having depression I had no confidence in myself and I didn’t think I could ever be where I am now. I’m still learning to live a happy life, I still have those days, sometimes weeks, that I lose belief in myself, I’m a work in progress and I’m a fighter and will keep fighting and will never give up.

Life can be crappy sometimes and I’ve had more than my share of it and sometimes it’s hard not to give up. I still have to call up everything I have to keep moving forward and I can do it and will do it. Never give up, I know how easy that is to say and how hard it is to put in action but if you look for the light at the end of the tunnel you will find it.

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